


The frog always lives happily ever after

by siangjiang



Category: Cracked - Ambiguous Fandom, Cracked.com, Cracked: After Hours
Genre: Arranged Marriage, M/M, Married Soren, Royalty, Three Piece Suit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 09:16:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10694016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siangjiang/pseuds/siangjiang
Summary: It felt weird wearing a three piece suit again. It used to be Daniel's go-to style for pretty much everything outside of his apartment. Not only did it emphasize how much his body had changed, it also made him realize how stupid he must have seemed.





	The frog always lives happily ever after

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently Soren is married to a princess? It seems to have been an one-off joke, but I still wanted to give it a try.

It felt weird wearing a three piece suit again. It used to be Daniel's go-to style for pretty much everything outside of his apartment. Not only did it emphasize how much his body had changed, it also made him realize how stupid he must have seemed. He had worn cheaper versions of this to the diner, and now it was the most appropriate attire for a _royal ball_.

Michael and Katie were beyond excited. They too were wearing clothes more expensive than their cars while twirling around, doing something that was possibly intended to be ballroom dancing.

"Be careful" Daniel said "Soren spent a lot of money on this clothes for us"

"Like it was even a drop in his giant, golden ocean" Katie giggled as Michael dipped her backwards.

"Well, okay, but maybe don't rip it before the ball?" Daniel tried "He'll freak out if we show up looking like bums"

"We'll be the bums of the party no matter what" Michael said cheerfully "Embrace it!"

Daniel had had the same thought. It would be their first time at a royal ball, and none of them knew the proper etiquette. He was probably going to trip over every single rule and offend the most powerful royal families in the world. And The Natural Disaster that was Michael was probably going to burn the palace down, just for good measure.

But even more nerve wrecking: Daniel was going to meet Soren's wife, Princess Castelina.

He didn't know how much she knew, only that she knew _of_ him. Daniel wasn't even sure how much he knew himself. The whole marriage was shrouded in mystery. Soren just disappeared for a while, came back, and everything continued as usual until Katie noticed Soren was sometimes wearing a wedding ring. He had apparently been married for a while by then, and Daniel almost sweat through his jacket when he realized he had been sleeping with Soren the whole time. He had been an accomplice to infidelity!

Soren had tried to calm him, said that it was okay, that it wasn't _that kind_ of marriage, but nothing helped. Daniel didn't mind that Soren slept with women while they were dating, he never expected Soren to stay faithful to him, but he refused to be 'the other woman' that could possibly tear a marriage apart and end in the dreaded Divorce.

So they hadn't touched each other for a few weeks now. Soren didn't seem to mind. He just said "Fine" and never tried to win Daniel back. Daniel wasn't sure if he was grateful or disappointed.

"Oh! It's here!" Katie suddenly exclaimed. Outside a limo had pulled up next to the house, so they all quickly collected their things and stumbled out the door.

**********

The palace was exactly as Daniel imagined; white marble everywhere, gold-pleaded decorative details on stuff, tall windows, and drapes that looked more expensive than the suit he was wearing. All around them were fancy looking people standing in little circles, mingling. They were probably all catching up on how the family was doing or something.

And to think this was just Castelina's family's "vacation home" that had been gifted to the princess and her new husband.

Speaking of which, Soren had yet to show his face. They had been led in through a side door that the less important guests used, which was better than what they had all imagined. 

"Uuuh, we're side-door guests" Katie had said "I thought we would be 'sneak them in through the kitchen' guests" 

Michael scoffed "I thought I'd have to break us in through the sewers"

Daniel tried to hide behind the slim glass of sparkly alcohol someone had given him. People around them were being very down to earth and their collective voices where little more than a semi-loud buzz, but his social anxiety was kicking in. Nothing he couldn't handle though as long as he stuck with Michael and Katie. 

"Hi guys"

They all turned around and were (finally) met by Soren. He was dressed in a uniform of sorts, with a white jacket, red pants, and woven gold details sprinkled throughout. It actually looked a lot like the uniform the prince wore in Disney's Cinderella, Daniel througt.

"Look at you" Katie said "Fancy fancy"

Soren straightened his back and struck a pose. "This is nothing. You should see the stuff they give me when it's an official party" He pointed at his chest "Even the medals get bigger" he leaned over and whispered "I don't even remember what they're for"

"Are these your friends?"

Castelina appeared out of the crowd and Michael bowed so fast he almost knocked her out, barely missing her. Katie started bowing too, then quickly changed it to a curtsey.

Daniel bowed but instinctively stepped a little closer to Soren.

She was pretty. Long black hair that had been put up in a tight bun, olive skin and high cheekbones. The first words that came to mind for Daniel was "kinda Asian". She was wearing several pieces of jewelry that all matched, including a tiara, and a long, sleeveless dress.

Daniel realized this was the first time Soren had seen his wife and Daniel next to each other and could compare them, which left Daniel with a strong desire to suck his stomach in. He understood why Soren hadn't tried to win him back.

She had probably had private lessons in small-talk, because she asked all the right questions, and managed to look impressed by Michael's rambling answers. Or maybe she had just been around enough eccentric royals to know how to handle the situation. Either way she couldn't fake interest forever and eventually excused herself.

Just as she was about to leave she put a hand on Daniel's shoulder and whispered "I would like to talk privately with you later, O'Brien"

He couldn't see her face when she said it, but he imagined a stone-cold glare and her manicured nails ready to dig into his flesh. 

His heart started beating like crazy and suddenly he felt sure he could sweat through a three piece suit.

**********

The dinner was great, otherworldly even, and of course Michael set fire to a flower decoration that was quickly put out with a splash of wine from Katie. It went better than Daniel expected, even if she did drench a countess sitting across from them.

At no point did Daniel's heart really slow down though, and afterwards he practically crawled along the walls in an attempt to find a crack to hide in. He found it in a slightly open door that led out to a balcony. He stumbled out and leaned back against the wall, as if he was hiding in a spy movie.

So far so good. He could do this. As long as he stayed out here Castelina wouldn't find him and soon a limo would show up and take him back home. It was a good plan.

"Mister O'Brien?"

Castelina stepped out into the evening air and looked around confused. She jumped a bit when she saw Daniel pressed against the wall behind her.

"O'Brien? Can we talk?"

"Uh, now is not a good time" he stammered, walking sideways towards the door "I'm feeling sick actually, and I wouldn't want to throw up on your...jewels, so I better-"

"I'm not angry with you"

Daniel stopped. "Really!? I mean, why would you be angry? I've never done anything that could-"

"I know about you and my husband"

He froze. So she _was_ angry. She had to be. How could she not?

"Come sit" she said, walking over to a pair of chairs. Daniel hesitated. The chairs faced towards the door, so no royal-hired assassin should be able to sneak up on him from behind, though watching Michael play Assassins Creed had taught him otherwise.

With quick, stiff steps he walked over and sat on the chair uneasily. He could do this. She would just yell at him a bit. Maybe threaten him. Nothing he hadn't experienced before.

"May I call you Daniel?" she asked, and he gave a quick nod "Thank you. I wanted to talk with you about Soren. We have only been married for six month, and I only met him a few weeks before the wedding, but he is very dear to me. He has fulfilled his role as husband perfectly and has been very good to me. But he also has needs I can't help him with" She looked Daniel straight in the eyes "He told me you broke it off with him"

"Wha- I...It's not like...I didn't-"

"It was an arranged marriage. Not a forced marriage, but arranged, so even if we care for each other we have no long history together, or the same expectations that married couples might usually have. There's a reason why royals have a long tradition of lovers and mistresses" She smiled warmly "Please consider going back to him. He tells me you don't want to come between us, but I can assure you, what Soren and I have is so much bigger and more important than a simple marriage of love that you could never get in the way of it"

Daniel was dumbfounded "I, uh..."

"I have a lover of my own. A handsome man from my own country. Soren knows about him, and I'm sure he will have no trouble finding women himself, but you can...scratch a particular itch. One that a woman might not be able to scratch so easily"

Daniel fumbled uneasily with his buttons "Actually, there are toys and things for that..." He trailed off.

She put a hand on his to steady them "You have my blessing, Daniel"

**********

As they walked back inside they found Soren waiting for them. He and Castelina made knowing eyes at each other before she smiled at Daniel and walked off.

Soren could hardly contain himself. "So?" he asked "What happened?"

"I think..." Daniel said "I think I've been declared your official mistress"

Soren coughed and quickly looked around at the other guests. Nobody seemed to have overheard them, but Soren stepped a little closer anyway and lowered his voice "And how do you feel about that? Do you want the position?"

"It's a position? I'm not sure I like that..."

Soren sighed lovingly "I was joking. But is it okay with you? I mean, you ended it because of Castelina but now you know she doesn't mind at all. She even encourages it. She has a lover herself you know"

"Yeah, she told me about that. It's kinda weird to be honest"

Soren grabbed Daniel's shoulder "Dan, please. I'm already married. I sorta had a choice but not really, you know? This is rich people stuff, and I was really lucky to be married off to someone like her. I can't divorce her now so this is for life, but I don't want that to mean...you know, a life without..."

He couldn't finish the sentence, but Daniel didn't expect him to. The pleading look on his face finished it for him.

Daniel took a deep breath, collected himself and then stuck out his hand. Soren looked confused at it.

"Deal" Daniel said.

"Deal?"

"I'll take the job"

Soren let out an equally amused and relieved laugh "It's not a job, Dan"

"Y-Yeah, I know. I just meant-" Just as he was about to lower his hand in embarrassment at his own awkwardness Soren grabbed it and gave it a firm shake.

"You're hired" he said with a playful glint in his eyes.

Daniel smiled. Even if this involved castles, princesses, princes and three piece suits, it was a far cry from Daniel's romantic comedies, but Soren always knew how to make him feel better and that was all the romance he needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Castelina is a ridiculous name on purpose. I just needed something that sounded sufficiently princess-like.


End file.
